Quote from an Anonymous Werewolf:

"As Halloween approaches, I become more and more Fangful."

Hello Daring Book Club Members,

We have chosen “Dracula” by Bram Stoker for the October book club. We are stoked about this book. However, I must report that much of the material in the book is now obsolete. I know this because of my intimate knowledge regarding the vampire community.

First of all, most vampires these days elect to feed with the new vampire homeopathic feeding techniques. Utilizing a sterile lab environment, vampires can exchange a small bit of their blood with a willing donor. This technique brings a feeling of completeness, peacefulness, and oneness to both parties. It is so effective that they are considering utilizing it as therapy for voters in the next election.

If you were to consider the traditional feeding technique among vampires, you realize that there is a strong chance of killing the prey. There are consequences to this! If the prey dies, it reduces the food available in the vampire food chain. If they survive, then this presents the problem of feeding a growing population of vampires. Clearly a lose-lose situation. Needless to say, the homeopathic method is much more satisfactory.

By utilizing the homeopathic technique, and because of certain food allergies present in the donor population, vampires can now choose a gluten-free option. At the time of this writing, no vegan option is being offered.

I must add that some less enlightened vampires still choose to chase down their prey and feed in the old-school way. Because of the fear induced speed of people fleeing from vampires, this is known in the vampire community as “fast food.” It is very high in calories and does nothing to help vampires with arteriosclerosis and other ailments.

Unfortunately for all of us, the formal opera dress of vampires is now obsolete as well. Most vampires now dress in the “casual” style of the rest of the population. They now look like what my mother used to call “zshlubs.” They look downright sloppy. Thankfully, most of the males have abandoned the style of wearing their pants at half-mast with underwear showing, a genuine disgrace to the vampire community!

That’s all for now, but I can say that 100 SPF sunblock has been a boon to the vampire community.

Daniel Celidore

Sebastopol, Ca.