Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The 4th of Blog

I heard that String Theory actually began as 5 different theories. Later, they were unified into one theory called M theory.

Of course I found some iterations of M theory as well.

1. M&M Theory: This theory hits the sweet spot in quantum mechanics.
2. S&M Theory: You must wear protective garments to do the math.
3. Anti-M Theory: This is utilized by physicists who want to go home to Kansas through a worm hole.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Jewish Haiku

I believe I've remembered the Jewish Haiku, 5,4,5 syllable pattern

Is one Nobel prize
Too much to ask
After all I've done?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Tuesday the 3rd of Blog

My local restaurant decided to stop charging corkage in an effort to attract more business. But, like the banks, they needed to add some other charges in an effort to raise revenue.

These are just some of the charges:

If you bring your own take-out bag, they charge baggage.
If they must call you a cab, they charge cabbage.
If you bring a place for your baby, they charge cribbage.
If they wind up helping you to carry your things, they charge luggage.
Now, if you become too tipsy to handle your own bill, they must charge manage.
Finally, if they feed you on the local golf course, they charge sand wedge.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I want Six Mens on Coffee

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. A single light bulb sways overhead and creates  yellow glare. Smoke fills the room  from Swisher Sweets cigars lit over dominos games in the basement.  Hippies, freaks, and men from every country on planet Earth mill in front of the barred job window at the Ship Painters and Scalers Union, like sharks waiting to feed. The Union Hall is in Lusk Alley, San Francisco, South of Market Street. Lena’s soul food restaurant is around the corner. My friend has a thing for Lena. 

We press together tighter in  front of the job window.  On the wall,  the pegboard with our  numbers awaits  the beginning of the job calling ceremony. Javouis Robbins, known to one and all as “Jiveass”, sits on a beat up office chair behind the window, like an executive in a down-and- out company that can’t afford furniture. The ever present fedora over his bald spot keeps the yellow light from bouncing off his head.  He starts to call  numbers for the day’s jobs.  “I want six mens on Coffee”, he intones, his voice musical, lyrical. The next ten seconds are crucial if I’m going  to work today.

“Thirtysixfotynine!”, yells Jiveass, running the numbers together at the speed of light. The music is gone. “Twenysenfifyfo!”  Believe me, this is not a guy who took elocution lessons. I get less than  a second to translate what he said, and  yell “here!”, “hay”, or some other identifying sound 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Monday, the 1st of Blog

When I was a boy in Junior High School (grades 7-9), Home Room was the gathering place for the beginning of the school day. My Home Room was presided over by the tyrant known as Miss McMenamin. The woman's iron-handed rule included unique penalties for offending her. If a student's behavior did not meet Miss McMenamin's standards, the student was required assume "the position" in the aisle on hands and knees between the neat rows of old fashioned wooden school desks. Then, facing the tyrant at the front of the room, they would bow, arms in the air, and then forehead to the floor, over and over, while chanting repeatedly, " I'm so sorry Miss McMenamin, I'm so sorry Miss McMenamin, I'm so sorry Miss Mcmenamin." Fifty to one hundred repetitions were required depending upon the infraction.

One member of our class, I'll call him Freddie, was so constituted that the very act of breathing looked, on his face and in his demeanor, like an act of mischief or insubordination or both. Needless to say, Freddie spent every waking hour in Home Room on the floor doing penance before Miss McMenamin. Now, I am told, that if this were to occur in school, the student would have to be wearing a helmet, knee pads, special gloves, and even then the lawsuit would be gargantuan.

I'm so sorry, Miss McMenamin!