Music Insurance

Dear Ms Pianist,

We have received your claim for the malpractice session dated October 15th of this year. We are sorry for the trouble you are having with the Beethoven Sonata.

As you accurately stated in your letter, our payout to you has resulted in  our raising your premiums by 20% this year. We understand that as a musician you cannot raise your rates for performance or for teaching by 20% in a single year and still remain in business, but don’t you really think that that is your problem, not ours?

We have heard your argument before that raising premiums to pay for claims means that our company takes no risk, and that we get to keep all the money we have collected from you over the years. I assure you we do not keep it. We give it to our CEO’s and other executives.

We reject the argument you made that the premium money we collect  is like the “protection” money paid by small businesses to gangsters in the old gangster movies. Don’t you think that saying that premiums are like “protection” money  collected so that the gangsters will not hurt the business owners is carrying an analogy too far? However, we like a good analogy as well as the next guy.


Premium increases (We reject the term, “jacked-up”) are due to the actions of bad apples who abuse our time-honored institution for fraudulent purposes. We reject the idea that politically motivated regulators who brought suit against us were accurate in their charges. We never admitted, and we never will admit wrong-doing. You will notice that all attempts to investigate and prosecute us have failed.

Be assured that we will work day and night on your behalf to destroy the politically motivated agencies attacking us so that you may be protected from them because you can be assured that if they succeed against us, small actors such as yourself will be next. This is what we call “Protection."

You brought up the point that we raised your premiums 15% just 6 months ago because your brand of piano did badly in the crash tests against other brands of pianos. Alas! Manufacturers are lowering their standards! Our crash test dummies suffered terribly in this latest round of crash tests. We must be sure we can cover you against these increased risks.

Finally, please be assured we have not singled you out for special treatment as you have stated. The  number of points against you triggered by filing a claim is not “outrageous”. It is industry standard. No, you may not redeem these points for air miles or other merchandise, but we are considering this as a side business with one of our affiliates at your suggestion. We will keep you informed.

Thank You,

Claims Department

Music Insurance

Cayman Islands